[ where'd he make that promise? gela's a tailor, and - well, it's shit to say, but cedric hasn't worked out what exactly she's doing here. can't be sending her too far afield. ]
[He immediately realizes it would have been less complicated to say yes, but it's the middle of the night. So.]
I was trying to keep her believing we'd survive, in the Crossroads. But ... We'd lost some people, a while back. A fair few, on a mission we didn't expect to go badly. [He doesn't super want to get into the metaphysics of Granitefell at whatever stupid time in the morning it is, and besides, that part isn't important for context.] They were letting people pay their respects before they burned everyone and it bothered her.
There's been talk before of making everyone's various wishes known. I think especially for the rifters, since at least ... people can make a guess based on where one is from, if it's in Thedas.
[Still, it can't hurt to make it plain, he supposes. After a moment:]
I don't think anyone in Nevarra would be especially pleased to receive just my head. For what it's worth.
They're in the city. [The one named after the country, yes.] They aren't rich enough to have a dedicated place for the family, but I know they've made arrangements to go into the Necropolis eventually.
[They're devout, or at least, had been. He hasn't seen them in person in many years, and it's hard to gauge from letters alone. He's wondered in the past whether they got some kind of discount when he joined the Order, but voicing that question is undoubtedly in bad taste. Instead:]
of course they mattered, of course vanya believes that; of course cedric could've fucked off for himself at any time. he can justify well as anyone - it's not why he stayed. so at length, ]
[ he bristles, arms crossed and protest bubbling behind teeth. his lip curls to snap: what's the tipping point? when does that unknown outweigh a man and his daughter, and a half dozen i didn't carry,
it may have been the wrong call. something in that stills; cedric watches the canopy. it may have been the wrong choice, but only one of them was sharp enough to choose.
(he might've hung in that sky forever) ]
I thought it'd be better here, [ is a stupid thing to admit. the war's everywhere. wars are the same, everywhere. ] But it's still just us.
[Think it would be better, he means. It's a genuine question, not a trap and not a dig. It's been long enough since they've seen one another that he wouldn't have ventured to guess what Cedric thought when he caught an anchor shard.]
[There's a pause, just long enough that Cedric might begin to wonder if Vanya doesn't plan to elaborate.]
They were three separate decisions. Unconnected. Leaving the Templars, leaving the Inquisition, and coming here. So far, this one ... All I wanted from this one was a way to oppose Corypheus. It isn't perfect, but it has given me that.
[ separate decisions, and at least two uneasy of it: i'm glad you’re here, wrestles with i'm pissed you left. of course he’d resign, after that business with antosha. that's only right. but giving up the work,
(you’re in the right place, barrow had assured him. barrow still stinks of lyrium, argues over discipline. never signed to the inquisition -
[Muted:] Took jobs as a hired sword to keep myself fed and sheltered. Mostly helping towns deal with bandits, guarding trade caravans, that sort of thing. [He doesn't sound proud.]
[ an echo that might pass for judgment (rests somewhere just shy). it helps sometimes, to think on this like any other trade; no more imbued with purpose or responsibility than the stonemason, the miller. the mercenary. but he doesn't really believe that. vanya doesn't, either. not if he came back.
was it good? dies on his tongue. did it feel any lighter? ]
When Riftwatch came in, with the device. The dragon. Whole time I was thinking - what’s that got to be like? Doing the real work?
[ a confession. some offering toward common ground: needful things can be empty ones. ]
There are good days. When it's clear we can make a difference.
[Then again, there had been good days in Cumberland. At least he'd thought so at the time. What he'll think of Riftwatch 20 years on, if he's around to think anything about it at all, is more than he can guess.]
If we don't stop Corypheus, what's the rest of it all for? [he adds, quietly. It was why he came back, in the end.]
[ what's it for? that kid ellie found never knew anything else. her whole life strings between the war, points on a map: here is where my father died. there, corypheus. ]
I just hope there's some of it left. [ rest. which he's presently denying them both. ] Shit, sorry, it's - near dawn, I reckon.
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[Another pause.]
I promised Baynrac I wouldn't let them burn her. If I was there when she died.
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[ where'd he make that promise? gela's a tailor, and - well, it's shit to say, but cedric hasn't worked out what exactly she's doing here. can't be sending her too far afield. ]
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[He immediately realizes it would have been less complicated to say yes, but it's the middle of the night. So.]
I was trying to keep her believing we'd survive, in the Crossroads. But ... We'd lost some people, a while back. A fair few, on a mission we didn't expect to go badly. [He doesn't super want to get into the metaphysics of Granitefell at whatever stupid time in the morning it is, and besides, that part isn't important for context.] They were letting people pay their respects before they burned everyone and it bothered her.
[And, perhaps, Vanya a little bit too.]
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[ to comfort her. which is what matters here, really, more than any practical hypothetical. but - ]
We could probably - dunno - get it written down, what folks want. Who she'd want to be sent to.
[ yeah, gela, and totally not vanya. funny how many of their conversations are about gela, and not vanya. ]
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[Still, it can't hurt to make it plain, he supposes. After a moment:]
I don't think anyone in Nevarra would be especially pleased to receive just my head. For what it's worth.
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[ the mortalitasi keep skulls, he thinks of saying. but he isn't sure about the mechanics - or significance - ]
Your family got a place?
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[They're devout, or at least, had been. He hasn't seen them in person in many years, and it's hard to gauge from letters alone. He's wondered in the past whether they got some kind of discount when he joined the Order, but voicing that question is undoubtedly in bad taste. Instead:]
What about you?
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[ until someone could scrape together the money. can't say if his uncles did, never went back to see. ]
Chantry'll handle it, I expect. Head or the rest.
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[He could take the win and see if he can get back to sleep.]
Has it been on your mind?
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[ the rider. his voice is low, distracted of it. the words run together in odd lilt, ]
We burned - Ellie and I burned, mm. What's left. S'pose the pyres just seemed.
[ across the little tent, a hand flaps, hopeless for detail. he doesn't know the trade word for redundant. ]
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I did not ... It wasn't because I didn't believe those people mattered.
[Low.]
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[ it hangs there.
of course they mattered, of course vanya believes that; of course cedric could've fucked off for himself at any time. he can justify well as anyone - it's not why he stayed. so at length, ]
Why?
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[They didn't, but they could have.]
It may have been the wrong call. But we also don't know how many people that Venatori would have killed after, if we hadn't dealt with him.
[It's bad math, but it's not math Vanya is doing for the first time right now, either.]
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it may have been the wrong call. something in that stills; cedric watches the canopy. it may have been the wrong choice, but only one of them was sharp enough to choose.
(he might've hung in that sky forever) ]
I thought it'd be better here, [ is a stupid thing to admit. the war's everywhere. wars are the same, everywhere. ] But it's still just us.
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[Think it would be better, he means. It's a genuine question, not a trap and not a dig. It's been long enough since they've seen one another that he wouldn't have ventured to guess what Cedric thought when he caught an anchor shard.]
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[ reflex to walk it back. there are things you don't say, especially not to those who left. but he's already said it, but he's still talking now. ]
Not really. You saw the Plains. You didn't see - Caiman Brea didn't surrender over nothing.
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You know I didn't go directly from the Inquisition to Riftwatch.
[It lacks the upward inflection to make it a question, but it is one all the same.]
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[ didn't keep track. plenty who made that choice, and plenty who kept in touch. but looking back wasn't exactly encouraged.
where'd you go, why - he's been talking a lot. waits, now, for the shape of it to sketch. ]
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They were three separate decisions. Unconnected. Leaving the Templars, leaving the Inquisition, and coming here. So far, this one ... All I wanted from this one was a way to oppose Corypheus. It isn't perfect, but it has given me that.
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(you’re in the right place, barrow had assured him. barrow still stinks of lyrium, argues over discipline. never signed to the inquisition -
he’s kind, capable. brave. that isn’t enough.) ]
What’d you do between?
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[ an echo that might pass for judgment (rests somewhere just shy). it helps sometimes, to think on this like any other trade; no more imbued with purpose or responsibility than the stonemason, the miller. the mercenary. but he doesn't really believe that. vanya doesn't, either. not if he came back.
was it good? dies on his tongue. did it feel any lighter? ]
When Riftwatch came in, with the device. The dragon. Whole time I was thinking - what’s that got to be like? Doing the real work?
[ a confession. some offering toward common ground: needful things can be empty ones. ]
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[Then again, there had been good days in Cumberland. At least he'd thought so at the time. What he'll think of Riftwatch 20 years on, if he's around to think anything about it at all, is more than he can guess.]
If we don't stop Corypheus, what's the rest of it all for? [he adds, quietly. It was why he came back, in the end.]
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[ what's it for? that kid ellie found never knew anything else. her whole life strings between the war, points on a map: here is where my father died. there, corypheus. ]
I just hope there's some of it left. [ rest. which he's presently denying them both. ] Shit, sorry, it's - near dawn, I reckon.
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[A moment.]
I don't expect credit, you know. For trying to work out the right thing.
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ties bow