[ he bristles, arms crossed and protest bubbling behind teeth. his lip curls to snap: what's the tipping point? when does that unknown outweigh a man and his daughter, and a half dozen i didn't carry,
it may have been the wrong call. something in that stills; cedric watches the canopy. it may have been the wrong choice, but only one of them was sharp enough to choose.
(he might've hung in that sky forever) ]
I thought it'd be better here, [ is a stupid thing to admit. the war's everywhere. wars are the same, everywhere. ] But it's still just us.
[Think it would be better, he means. It's a genuine question, not a trap and not a dig. It's been long enough since they've seen one another that he wouldn't have ventured to guess what Cedric thought when he caught an anchor shard.]
[There's a pause, just long enough that Cedric might begin to wonder if Vanya doesn't plan to elaborate.]
They were three separate decisions. Unconnected. Leaving the Templars, leaving the Inquisition, and coming here. So far, this one ... All I wanted from this one was a way to oppose Corypheus. It isn't perfect, but it has given me that.
[ separate decisions, and at least two uneasy of it: i'm glad you’re here, wrestles with i'm pissed you left. of course he’d resign, after that business with antosha. that's only right. but giving up the work,
(you’re in the right place, barrow had assured him. barrow still stinks of lyrium, argues over discipline. never signed to the inquisition -
[Muted:] Took jobs as a hired sword to keep myself fed and sheltered. Mostly helping towns deal with bandits, guarding trade caravans, that sort of thing. [He doesn't sound proud.]
[ an echo that might pass for judgment (rests somewhere just shy). it helps sometimes, to think on this like any other trade; no more imbued with purpose or responsibility than the stonemason, the miller. the mercenary. but he doesn't really believe that. vanya doesn't, either. not if he came back.
was it good? dies on his tongue. did it feel any lighter? ]
When Riftwatch came in, with the device. The dragon. Whole time I was thinking - what’s that got to be like? Doing the real work?
[ a confession. some offering toward common ground: needful things can be empty ones. ]
There are good days. When it's clear we can make a difference.
[Then again, there had been good days in Cumberland. At least he'd thought so at the time. What he'll think of Riftwatch 20 years on, if he's around to think anything about it at all, is more than he can guess.]
If we don't stop Corypheus, what's the rest of it all for? [he adds, quietly. It was why he came back, in the end.]
[ what's it for? that kid ellie found never knew anything else. her whole life strings between the war, points on a map: here is where my father died. there, corypheus. ]
I just hope there's some of it left. [ rest. which he's presently denying them both. ] Shit, sorry, it's - near dawn, I reckon.
[It's easy to hear bringing up Antosha as a dig, a continuation of the initial sharpness. But it's only a moment before he can't help giving Cedric the benefit of the doubt.]
I think the Inquisition preferred to break us up for missions, when it was practical.
I liked him. Funny, yeah, but - weird about it. And he knew everyone's name, and he'd remember it all: What they did, what they liked, and you could tell it mattered. It mattered to them that he remembered. Never worked out if it mattered to him, too. This one night we pitched bottles off the,
[ it's years too late to get in trouble for this ]
Well, we were trying to hit a tree. And I kept thinking, why are you here? Because it wouldn't only be for you, and it sure wasn't for us. Or any of those names.
He was there, and he was doing the right thing, and fuck if I could've said why.
[For another sort of man, it wouldn't be only for you might sting, but it's not as if Vanya disagreed even then. There's a sting to talking about Antosha, but a relief too: He's not sure he has, really, other than very briefly before Tsenka Abendroth punched him in the mouth. (He wondered, when he heard, if Antosha would care that his fellows had killed the woman he helped escape.)]
He was so much smarter than he wanted anyone to notice, [quiet.] Creative and perceptive.
I want to think that the doing the right thing, that that is who he really is, deep down. That the defecting was fear. It would be easier to think that. But I honestly don't know. It's been years and I can never settle on a "why" that sticks. And I don't know how much it would matter to anyone else, at this point.
[It shouldn't matter to Vanya either, after this long.]
Would I rather someone I cared about never understood me in the first place, or would I rather he did once but no longer think about it at all?
[There isn't really an answer to give. Though he does add:]
Even if I grant he was scared, which is the most generous reason I can reach for, he knew me well enough not to give me a chance to talk him out of it.
Then give yourself a little credit. [ for trying to work out the right thing ] He did. If you thought he was smart, give yourself some credit for trying now. Be easy to throw it in. You came back.
[ a snort for the easy way - turned wheeze, palm shoved over lung as if to steady breath. alright. so a griffon did very much crunch him recently. ]
Long way to make it, to turn straight back. Brave.
[ as neutral as that'll come. antosha wasn't the only one to see the use in names: smythe and abendroth; only one northern, only one that twisted up rowntree. he doesn't know every rebel to find the front -
She was that. I didn't know her well, but it was obvious.
[Tsenka (a punch in the mouth, an ultimatum) made sense to Vanya. Antosha's decision to free her, less so. He wants to say so, but he isn't sure how. Even if he could, he doesn't know whether Cedric wants to hear.
The silence stretches, a moment or two, though he's not trying to go back to sleep.]
[ quiet. he's thinking of what it means to save a man in the woods, one enemy; to free a captive, another. one act runs into the other, disunited twins.
(does vanya own that clear a picture of himself?)
the why that sticks with him is this: that everyone falters. that antosha was weird, and funny, and smart - and an obvious fuck-up. that some things don't change for a banner. ]
Think he'd ever want to come back?
[ doesn't really matter. twice a defector, and information would only trade so far. ]
I've never believed he has any special love for Tevinter or their rhetoric. It seems clearer that he prefers it to death or a Circle.
[He'd want to come back if we were winning is near the truth, but doesn't feel fully true. Not enough to say out loud.]
Maybe a part of him would want to come back. Another part probably wants to run. Find some new remote cabin to hide in. But neither of those parts are winning, it seems.
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[They didn't, but they could have.]
It may have been the wrong call. But we also don't know how many people that Venatori would have killed after, if we hadn't dealt with him.
[It's bad math, but it's not math Vanya is doing for the first time right now, either.]
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it may have been the wrong call. something in that stills; cedric watches the canopy. it may have been the wrong choice, but only one of them was sharp enough to choose.
(he might've hung in that sky forever) ]
I thought it'd be better here, [ is a stupid thing to admit. the war's everywhere. wars are the same, everywhere. ] But it's still just us.
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[Think it would be better, he means. It's a genuine question, not a trap and not a dig. It's been long enough since they've seen one another that he wouldn't have ventured to guess what Cedric thought when he caught an anchor shard.]
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[ reflex to walk it back. there are things you don't say, especially not to those who left. but he's already said it, but he's still talking now. ]
Not really. You saw the Plains. You didn't see - Caiman Brea didn't surrender over nothing.
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You know I didn't go directly from the Inquisition to Riftwatch.
[It lacks the upward inflection to make it a question, but it is one all the same.]
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[ didn't keep track. plenty who made that choice, and plenty who kept in touch. but looking back wasn't exactly encouraged.
where'd you go, why - he's been talking a lot. waits, now, for the shape of it to sketch. ]
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They were three separate decisions. Unconnected. Leaving the Templars, leaving the Inquisition, and coming here. So far, this one ... All I wanted from this one was a way to oppose Corypheus. It isn't perfect, but it has given me that.
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(you’re in the right place, barrow had assured him. barrow still stinks of lyrium, argues over discipline. never signed to the inquisition -
he’s kind, capable. brave. that isn’t enough.) ]
What’d you do between?
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[ an echo that might pass for judgment (rests somewhere just shy). it helps sometimes, to think on this like any other trade; no more imbued with purpose or responsibility than the stonemason, the miller. the mercenary. but he doesn't really believe that. vanya doesn't, either. not if he came back.
was it good? dies on his tongue. did it feel any lighter? ]
When Riftwatch came in, with the device. The dragon. Whole time I was thinking - what’s that got to be like? Doing the real work?
[ a confession. some offering toward common ground: needful things can be empty ones. ]
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[Then again, there had been good days in Cumberland. At least he'd thought so at the time. What he'll think of Riftwatch 20 years on, if he's around to think anything about it at all, is more than he can guess.]
If we don't stop Corypheus, what's the rest of it all for? [he adds, quietly. It was why he came back, in the end.]
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[ what's it for? that kid ellie found never knew anything else. her whole life strings between the war, points on a map: here is where my father died. there, corypheus. ]
I just hope there's some of it left. [ rest. which he's presently denying them both. ] Shit, sorry, it's - near dawn, I reckon.
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[A moment.]
I don't expect credit, you know. For trying to work out the right thing.
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[ sharper than he typically allows. it's not, exactly, for vanya. cedric pushes out a breath. fine, if they're talking the hard shit already, ]
I spent some time with Antosha, you know? You and Broward were on an - escort, something -
[ so no one could stop him. is the point. ]
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[It's easy to hear bringing up Antosha as a dig, a continuation of the initial sharpness. But it's only a moment before he can't help giving Cedric the benefit of the doubt.]
I think the Inquisition preferred to break us up for missions, when it was practical.
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[ 'distraction' would be underselling ]
I liked him. Funny, yeah, but - weird about it. And he knew everyone's name, and he'd remember it all: What they did, what they liked, and you could tell it mattered. It mattered to them that he remembered. Never worked out if it mattered to him, too. This one night we pitched bottles off the,
[ it's years too late to get in trouble for this ]
Well, we were trying to hit a tree. And I kept thinking, why are you here? Because it wouldn't only be for you, and it sure wasn't for us. Or any of those names.
He was there, and he was doing the right thing, and fuck if I could've said why.
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He was so much smarter than he wanted anyone to notice, [quiet.] Creative and perceptive.
I want to think that the doing the right thing, that that is who he really is, deep down. That the defecting was fear. It would be easier to think that. But I honestly don't know. It's been years and I can never settle on a "why" that sticks. And I don't know how much it would matter to anyone else, at this point.
[It shouldn't matter to Vanya either, after this long.]
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[ too probing to be gentle. ]
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Would I rather someone I cared about never understood me in the first place, or would I rather he did once but no longer think about it at all?
[There isn't really an answer to give. Though he does add:]
Even if I grant he was scared, which is the most generous reason I can reach for, he knew me well enough not to give me a chance to talk him out of it.
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I have been told I am incapable of doing anything the easy way.
[It does sound like a direct quote. But, in case Cedric doesn't take it in the spirit it's meant:]
Thank you. It's. Not many people here knew him at all.
[A brief pause.]
He helped a mage prisoner escape. She made it here, was with us for a while. One of those we got news died in Ostwick.
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Long way to make it, to turn straight back. Brave.
[ as neutral as that'll come. antosha wasn't the only one to see the use in names: smythe and abendroth; only one northern, only one that twisted up rowntree. he doesn't know every rebel to find the front -
but he can guess. ]
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[Tsenka (a punch in the mouth, an ultimatum) made sense to Vanya. Antosha's decision to free her, less so. He wants to say so, but he isn't sure how. Even if he could, he doesn't know whether Cedric wants to hear.
The silence stretches, a moment or two, though he's not trying to go back to sleep.]
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(does vanya own that clear a picture of himself?)
the why that sticks with him is this: that everyone falters. that antosha was weird, and funny, and smart - and an obvious fuck-up. that some things don't change for a banner. ]
Think he'd ever want to come back?
[ doesn't really matter. twice a defector, and information would only trade so far. ]
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[He'd want to come back if we were winning is near the truth, but doesn't feel fully true. Not enough to say out loud.]
Maybe a part of him would want to come back. Another part probably wants to run. Find some new remote cabin to hide in. But neither of those parts are winning, it seems.
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ties bow